life in the woods.

you know you are in the middle of nowhere, without a car that works, when:

1. you have to take a shower every time you shit because you ran out of toilet paper.

2. you eat less because you don't want to shower as much.

3. you feel bad eating a carrot that has become your friend.

4. you go through a grieving process for the pages of an old journal you ripped out to use as fire starter.

5. the gnomes begin to pile dishes in your sink.

6. you are excited when you stay up past 8:30.

7. you talk to everything that moves, including saying good morning to your pee as it falls, and goodbye as it twirls away days later.

8. you wonder why your house smells strange, and then flush for the first time in days.

9. you’ve cleaned your house, eaten two meals, had two cups of coffee, done yoga, written in your journal, made two calls, written three e-mails, took a walk, took a shower, attempted to build a fire, sat in silence, and its only 7am.

10. you literally spend hours continuing to think about which came first, the chicken or the egg, and you decide for the 4th significant time in your life, they came together.

11. you finally, after 11 years, strum a different sequence of chords on the guitar.

12. things like deodorant and clean clothes simply aren't important.

13. that being said, a fresh batch of laundry is almost as good as christmas morning.

14. that being said, you long for the coming christmas with your family.

15. you drank the last of your wine a week ago, and you find a can of MGD in the corner of your cabin, and drink it luke cold on the spot.

16. you sit amidst the falling leaves and think to yourself, "yeah, life is not half bad."

17. the stillness around you comes to nest inside your head, and you feel free.

we stand on desert grounds, our hearts of many emotion, we reach into each other, and see in turn ourselves.

unaware that it had travelled so far, and with not much knowin as to what it would find, it came upon them all set to move in the same sorts of ways. so it went to spinnin and they jumped right up top for the ride, already seein themselves amongst the circlin. it was set to the motion of some wheels that got them goin. just goin, like worlds turnin upon them own selves. and it was a sure slice of somethin they'd been careenin for in the darks of their hearts, and this time they found it in the desert.

do you remember the time when i told you my pa left on account 'a business? i think i had mentioned it when i was describin' my first encounter with aunt verna. well its not that i feel a big importance around where he was goin' or nothin, but i feel like sayin somethin' about the day he left. cuz it was right strange the way it happened, and i never thought much of it 'til the day he came back with two cases fulla all sorts 'a baseball caps- rangin from kentucy scotters to the alabama seahorse racin squad, to one with a cherry tree all bushed up from the top and little red balls hangin down the sides. that one was for aunt verna he said. and i'll tell you somethin- aunt verna wore that thing on the specialist of occasions, and never once thought it silly or strange. for me pa brought a green cap with a little rainbow shootin' off the side. there was golden sequence all lined up along the brim, and a little man on the front sayin' "luck finds us all in the end." louie called him a leprican, but i called him sunny smiles. just cuz his eyes were made a golden jems that shined bright when the sun was out. and people always smilin' at me when i wore it.

well the day pa left i was sitting with sis in the kitchen. we was eatin cereal, talkin 'bout nothing in particular, when pa walks in and says goodbye. "watcha mean goodbye pa?" sis says. pa 'nealt to face level with sis. i thought he was gunna say somethin' cuz his eyes was all full 'a thoughts. but he just looked down at his shoes, which were strung together with the fishin line we traded for his laces. and then in one steady motion, be looked back up at sis, kissed her on the forehead, and walked out the door.

sis walked to the kitchen window with her cereal bowl, turned on the sink water and looked out. i was watchin her from behind, and just past her shoulder i could see pa outside now standin with aunt verna. i could see her lips was movin but i couldnt hear a word. sis had her head up and faced toward the window, and a stillness had come over her like nothin id known in her before. i came to her side with my bowl, pretending id come to wash it, when i saw her eyes was closed. but her face was pointed straight to pa and aunt verna. i looked out again and saw pa slip somethin in his pocket. then i saw aunt verna pull pa to her chest and hold him there for a good long moment. then mother walked up, took pa's hand, and walked him slowly to his car. he was lookin at his shoes the whole time. i was waitin' for them to start talkin or at least look at each other but they was busy lookin at other things. then mother leaned in and gave him a kiss on the neck. i saw her pause on the way back and whisper something in his ear. he put his arms around her waist and thats when i saw him say "i love you ramona." i couldnt hear it but i could tell by the way his lips moved. i looked at sis. her eyes were now open, and i knew she was seeing the same thing as me. she grabbed my hand, and i dont think she realized it but she was squeezin real hard. i heard the car door shut and i turned to see pa in the dirver's seat, with his arm out the window, his hand holdin mother's. he then let go, put the hand to the wheel, and drove away.

mother stood there staring after him for a long while. aunt verna walked slowly to her side, and placed a hand on the small of mother's back. she held it there until mother turned into her sister, folded up into her arms, and wept.

death doesnt care about who should live. it simply throws its rotting body over the nearest passerby.

as when i sit with burried feet, one hand still in the earth, and the other with baby roots dangling naked. and i am feeling the heavy press of satisfaction on my shoulders, as they lean forward into my arms, as they push forth into my hands, as they press fingers into fertile soil, and pull but another little life up, that wasnt named enough to be known, or known enough to be named, as worthy of life in the garden.

water and seed

in the soft hollow of a constant beat, i place myself accordingly, and move in sequence to the sound splitting open. it doesnt take but an agreement. not but one release- subtle and easy like water and seed, or, sunlight slanting where the space deems easy.

in my greatest effort, i cannot for the life of me, remember my birth. my mother told me i was so big commin out they thought they was gunna have to cut her open...! i could not believe my ears when she told me such a thing as that. cut my mother open on behalf of me? before they even knew whether or not they was gunna like me? mother said they was just about to when my big toe popped out, and then the rest of me. well, i knew i had always loved my big toe best for a reason, only now i knew what they reason was. saved my mother from gettin cut open. which is why i always thought if i concentrated real hard, i could remember.

there was one time i thought maybe i came close to rememberin. but i havent really told no one yet cuz ive been holdin on to it with my life, afraid to let it get lost or whatever. so im gunna tell you now, cuz well its been so long and i feel aint nothin gunna change for lettin it out. so here it is then.

i was just fallin asleep and i felt a sort of twisted contortion come over my body. my first thought was birth canal. then i felt my toes tingle, and the pressure release from my feet, then move slowly up the rest 'a me. and then, in one quick burst, i felt big, real big. now, take from it what you will, but in the next moment i was flyin. i was on the back of a big bird with red feathers and eyes the color of the ocean thru sunlight. hazel blue. it took me up so high that all the houses on my street became dots. and the trees lining the walkways were fuzz balls, and they was faden fast. then we was soaring through the clouds and, i remember the sunbeams ticklin my sides. and then the colors came. started swimmin right along side us, bending with the sunbeams, castin golden rainbows through the clouds. the red and yellow were wrappin round my shoulders like they was the softest touch ever come my way. and they was. i was turnin circles upon circles, we was weaving and wavin, twirlin and whirlin like we was all just dancin together. golden shimmers were slippin through my fingers, violet pearls were bouncin round my elbows, my knees had the sensation of touquise all tucked up from behind. and light blue was braidin' through my hair, which i loved most of all. i never once felt dizzy or afraid. never felt alone or scared to be so high. truth is i never wanted nothin to change. felt like my home up there in the clouds with all those colors makin me feel beautiful, and everything outlined in gold. and i never once thought of pa, or sis, or mother. not once of louie, or even aunt verna. in fact, i thought of nothin but lettin my own self be carried away forever.

well that red bird must have known my family would worry cuz it took me right back to my bed, tucked me in real good. i woke up all nuzzled in its feathers, which soon came to be my pillow, i figure on account of sis in the bunk bellow. pretty sure he didnt wanna make her jealous or nothin.

that was when i was just past the 8 year mark of my life. dont tell no one but, sometimes i try to stay up a little extra longer than im s'pose to, just lookin out my window and wishin he'd come back. anyway, thats the closest i got to my birth, i reckon.

when i got back to aunt verna, she was still swayin. i came with louie and sis, and we was all geared up to get going towards jimmy's house. we had our hats on to make us look bigger, and louie had a can of pepper spray in his sweatshirt pocket in case things got crazy with jimmy's 'ol man.

"ok aunt verna, we're ready...are you?" she opened her eyes and i could tell they'd been some place far. she looked at us and a tear rolled down her cheek, and then dropped at her chin. i followed that tear down to her lap, to where her hands were folded. they were wet. i reckoned she'd been crying for awhile. "aunt verna," i said, "you ok?" I sat in my spot, and there we was face to face again, 'sept she was crying this time. but it was a soft and silent cry. it almost looked like the tears were just showin up cuz they felt like fallin. she blinked and the tears stopped. then she smiled and said "well that was the fastest room clean up that ever was! ill bet you had some help....," she turned to sis and louie, "come to help set things right?" "sure did," said sis, "aint no one hurtin jimmy johnson without hearin' from me!" sis was so tough, and even though i never told her at the time, i felt safer goin to jimmy's house with her around. cuz even though i was 3 years her senior, she had a flame inside her that could set a whole city ablaze with just her eyes, if she wanted. even one time i felt her watch me from behind when i was eatin the last from the cookie jar. all i know is it got hot, and when i turned to face her with a chin all full of crumbs her eyes went from light brown to burgandy, i swear to it.

"well here's the thing y'alls...we don't yet know the situation with jimmy. could be that he fell down the stairs, or something accidental like that....so before we go bargin into someone else's business, i reckon we better get some more information.....s'why i came up with a plan while ya'll were shovin sandy's clothes 'neath the bed." i looked from sis to louie back to sis, wonderin' how she knew that. "give it to us then, we are rearing to hear it," fired sis with a strength i hoped would rub off on me any minute now. i myself felt a little shaky. aunt verna began. "well i happen to know mr. johnson. he comes to the fruit stand from time to time, often gets himself a bag of cherries. well just the other day he stumbled up with his half pound, put 1 dollar on the table and walked on. well that 1 dollar was 25 cents too much. and i put that change to the side thinkin i give it back, next time he came around. but i reckon i'll walk that change right back to its owner's hands myself, and well, thats as far as i got....." she waited for our response. ".....that sounds like a good idea, " said louie. i said, ".....um, ok, thats real nice of you and all, but, im not sure i heard the part about sneakin jimmy out the window while his pa sits tied to the kitchen table with this here rope we got- sis, show aunt verna the rope." sis pulled the string of shoe laces out from her pocket. we had tied them together about a month ago when we figured none of us had hair long enough to climb up, should one of us get locked outa the house.

well aunt verna thought that was funny cuz she let out a big laugh which set her whole body into motion. and she didnt stop either. soon she was laid back on the grass, still laughin her heart and soul out. which was kinda fun to watch cuz somethin in the way aunt verna moves when she laughs puts all things worldly and otherwise into greater perspective.

well me, sis and louie started shiftin in our shoes. we knew we was being taken by a force greater than the three of us combined. cuz we'd felt it before. we started laughin. and it felt good. we were laughin so hard we too fell over, and the 4 of us were like dancin earthworms, rollin and twistin. but soon enough we were all layin flat and still, lookin up at the clouds. thats when sis turned to me and whispered, "did you see the clouds sandy, they was movin just like aunt verna was movin." i loved my sis for sayin that. gave me strength, somehow. i grabbed her hand.

i turned to louie, and then to aunt verna. but thing was, aunt verna was gone.

the day i turned 11 was the day jimmy johnson turned mean. we was all playing in the creek and jimmy up and left without sayin a word. my feelings were hurt cuz it was my birthday and he never even said so much as hello. and then he up and leaves like he's got somethin better to do. bet said she'd take care of it if i wanted, put a dug beetle in is sandwhich bag or somethin. then louie piped in with "yeah, i'll provide the dung." well we all thought that was funny and it turns out all i needed was a good laugh cuz afterward, i didnt think once about jimmy. next day jimmy didnt come to school. i walked past his house on my way home and saw him through the window of his bedroom. next thing i knew i was popping rocks of the glass to get his attention. took three big ones for him to turn, and the minute i saw his face i knew somethin was wrong. real wrong. from where i was standin it looked like he had two black eyes and a fat lip. he cracked the window and leaned in. ".....sorry i left yur party without sayin nothin sandy......." his words cracked as he spoke. i yelled back, "jimmy, come down here right away, let me see you better, what happen, was is bet? louie? ill get back i swear. they only said somethin about a beetle! i swear jimmy i'll-
"i can't come down there, and you better go sandy," he said barely loud enough for me to hear. "well, you'll be back tomorrow right? i mean, at school, right....?" i hollered back. his response was delayed. "yeah, i think so, maybe....don't tell anyone about this k?" "'bout what jimmy your face?" "yeah, and about seein me, about me talkin to you." my palms grew hot. "well one things for sure is im gunna pop louie a good one for doing this to you-" "its not louie, i'll tell you later, bye sandy." he inched the window shut and left the room. i stood there for a moment, feelin like burstin through the front door of jimmy's house, and rescuing him from whatever he was so scared of. maybe it was his pa, i thought. it wouldnt be the first time, but it sure had been awhile.

i walked home with the workings of rescue in full swing. aint no one deserves to be hit, and jimmy needed me. when i got to the front porch i saw aunt verna sittin with louie and sis. they was playin some sort of dice game. "aunt verna." i said, "i need to talk to you straight away," i said, "aint no waitin for later, this is a death situation, or, could be soon." aunt verna always knows when im for real. she said, "well then lets get to it child, you lead the way, we'll first have to find a quiet place to sit." louie and sis went inside. they knew from past experience that when i had to talk serious to aunt verna, they was not invited. we went to our usual talking spot, which is what aunt verna always called it, our talking spot. we sat right down face to face and she said "im all ears child." thats when i just started cryin. couldnt help myself. didnt even know it was comin. aunt verna just sat there watchin me for a few moments, then she held me close as i wept uncontrollably into her cotton blouse. "there there child, its alright to cry....its alright to cry...." i remember those words real well cuz for some reason i kept tryin to pull myself together to speak, 'specially cuz i wasnt sure how much longer jimmy had till it was too late, but aunt verna kep' telling me to cry. finally when i didnt feel like cryin anymore i pealed myself back from aunt verna and told her everything. told her about the party at the creek and how i was all mad at jimmy for leavin. told her about the beetle idea and louie's dung. told her how jimmy didnt come to school and how i saw his face all beat up in the window. told her how his pa used to hit him but that jimmy said he didnt anymore, but that i was sure it was him. told her i could tell by the way he kept his voice so quiet. told her that jimmy needed me, and it didnt matter that he left from the party 'thout sayin goodbye. that i didnt want jimmy to say goodbye, ever. told aunt verna that we gotta save him straight away. thats where i stopped to take a breath. aunt verna was holdin my hand which felt good cuz i was shakin all over. and she said "looks like we've got ourselves a serious situation now dont we? and i know aint no one's as equipt to fix it as you are...." "and you right aunt verna? you'll help me right? think i might need you to talk to ma cuz she's your sister and she listens to you. and you guys know what its like being kids together and dealing with friends caught in situations like this right aunt verna? jimmy can share my room with me, tell her that. tell her jimmy's pa dont even have to know. tell her we'll just take him and not say a word about it. not one word. and i can home school jimmy in my room straight from what i learned in class that day, cuz thats when its the freshest." i saw that aunt verna was smiling. not a whole face smile like she gets when she's cooking, just a touch of lift in her cheeks, and in her eyes. "sandy, listen to me now. i will talk to your mamma first chance i get. i want you to go clean your room real good, and make an extra bed for jimmy. im not sayin he's movin in straight away, but we should get as ready as we can. come to me after your room is ready, ill be right here child, and don't say anything to the others. we'll make it right, i promise. ok, go on now." i turned towards the house and saw sis and louie crouched down on the porch, ears pressed through the wooden posts. they saw me and sat up. "we dont care what you say, we're savin jimmy too." their shoulders were pressed together so tightly is was like they was the same body. "ok" i said "help me clean my room." as we ran inside i glanced back at aunt verna. she was sitting in the same position i had left her in. but her hands were now in her lap, and her face was turned towards the ground. her eyes were closed and she was swayin just a little. i knew what she was doin. she was thinking. real hard. we was gunna go get jimmy tonight, i knew it.

i remember the first time i ever met aunt verna. i was attempting an escape from our summer vacation home. i had planned my route to run flush with any hold ups. my scooter was gunna take me straight on till the sun rose enough to be seen, and there id start my new life, just past the baker’s ranch on the north bank of chester creek. i planned it out real good, the day before. and i was hot to go. id been ready for what felt like a whole week. ever since louie found out little missy was all bright eyed about him. well, thats not the only reason. also pa had left on account of business, and well, i felt rightly inclined to take care of some of my own business. i was nine years old after all, and the only fish i ever caught myself was fake. found that out when sis showed up with two, and they was made a' plastic. looked into my bucket and saw the same thing. at the time of the catch i was so excited i let pa do the unhookin', and never looked twice at the damn toy. i knew right then and there that somethin tricky was goin on ‘neath the surface ‘a things. and i knew too, that i was gunna have to start diggin’ if i was gunna find out what. and by diggin i mean workin things out on my own, pullin the pieces apart a little, lettin the truths reveal themselves without sucha thing as spoon feedin or, fake fish.

well it was two days before the day of escape when i was at the corner store choosing apples based on their survival skills (which you can tell by the number of bruises they got, which make the apple sweeter anyway, and stronger cuz they withstood) and i overheard mrs. baker tell my friend bet’s mom about the creek just north of their ranch, where the fish were scarce these days, but good when grilled with a pinch of mint and a half squeezed lemon. well thats when i knew where id be goin', and soon. i paid for my apples, pocketed a lemon for rebel status, and ran straight home. in my sock drawer i found the compass i had won at a birthday party after cheaten my way through a spelling contest. why we was spellin’ at a party, ill never know. in any case, the compass felt like the best thing id ever been given, on account of my plans to someday start a life of my own.

which, as it turns out, was the day i met aunt verna. i hadnt planned on goin out the back, since everyone was sleepin anyway. but i had left my hat on the back porch the night before. i was real quiet gettin through the house, but once i slid the back door shut i eased up a little. i was not exactly payin attention to where my feet was landin, and i stumbled over a heap of what i soon learned to be aunt verna. of the two of us, i was most surprised. in fact, to this day i dont know if aunt verna even felt my nine year old body flop over hers. i was quick to jump back, at first thinking i had met my match in our pup chipper, who had also been perfecting the art of escape. but, through the still silence that wove between us, i could see it was a person. a woman, sitting cross legged and staring up to the sky. i knew there were family members around that i hadnt met yet, and i figured this was one of ‘em. i stood frozen in the fear of my plans shattered. She turned her gaze to meet me, and the softest smile spread across her eyes. “hello child, come to bask in the beauty of sunrise?” it was a sprinkle of words that fell upon me like a light rain. “...uh.....no....not.....not really.....” i think is what i said. something in her voice, and the smile in her eyes, plus the adrenaline of the fall not to mention the escape, left me mostly wordless. “well all right then,” she said, “.....you must be sandy....are you sandy?” “...uh, yes ma’am i am...” I managed. “hi sandy, glad to meet your acquaintance. im verna. your mamma’s sister. you look just like her, anyone ever tell you that? most beautiful woman i know, your mamma......” at that point i felt my cheeks redden. “well” said aunt verna, “i look forward to becoming your friend, if you’ll have me that is,” she said with a wink. it seemed like a strange thing for someone her age to say to me, but something in her eyes lent a hand of trust. and i took it. “.....uh.....i’ll have you....” i said. “ok then, have a beautiful morning my friend, ill see you when the sun comes high enough to give us our colors back.” she said with a laugh that seemed to come from her eyebrows, and then looked back up at the sky.

i, on the other hand, couldnt move an inch. my feet were planted in their place, and my arms hung motionless at my sides. finally, after what felt like hours, a little voice pried itself loose in my head, and said “go, now.” i turned, grabbed my hat, raced to my scooter, and fled to chester creek. but i knew i’d be back. aunt verna would be waiting.

prowess

in my swiftness, i slip thru the twist of an open shade. my feet cling to the sill, as my hands reach in the dark for a place to land. still a half body away, my heart beats with the force of a door that slams in the distance. and in one fluid push and release, i am free. the cars roll past. i see their headlights fuz in the mist. the tingle of night spreads across my face, and a long awaited realization bursts open before me. the world is mine. and i have come with every ounce of readiness i was born with. i bare down in the thick of this freedom. the grass is moist and cold. my hair stands tall- does its good work in the elements. knows the life of a feline to be a life of survival. a life of boldness. of prowess, skill, expertise, efficiency, know-how, craft, finesse, ingeniousness, resourcefulness, brilliance, radiance, intelligen-- whao, oh shit! hey! fuck.......
"good kitty, don't worry, mamma gotcha..."

today paints itself in green, red, light blue, and mist. I sit in its midst, a portrait of a person, a stack of color and contour, a touch of movement in the stillness of a hillside. my eyes are horizon lined- slow waves, soft gaze, and then to the touch of this tip to the page, and its kind offer to accept this creative edge of release. this constant, subtle, but still undeniable urge to write a new word, sing a new song, and then fall back into the stillness of its ending.

pin tip, the void, clear.
shirt tucks
for good measure.

does anyone know the time?

all cut, the crease
lines up with the edge.
heavy petal falling,

said you something?

the sun comes
up the back.
a feather is
casting shadows.

such a shifty
shadow caster,

light bender.

faulty engine slowing,

a meander to the left,
a tuck to the ground,

soggy landing,
welcome.

mother couldnt figure out what sound she liked best when it came to the teapot. all the whizzing and what not usually just made her dizzy. aunt verna was the one who loved music. and every morning she would dance to the tunes of breakfast in the making. as she ate too, her hips and shoulders would sway with the rhythm of her chewing. and boy did she know how to chew. sis and i always thought she could win medals for her chewing. for that sharp yet easy jaw line and the way it turned and tucked over god knows what. whenever id see aunt verna chewing, i knew one thing and one thing only- i gotta get me some a that-- whatever she was eatin. usually we was already eatin the same thing, but i knew hers was different somehow. it put bounce and glow in her step to life, and it made her go somewhere deep, real, real, deep. deeper than the cat's ass, deep. deeper than pa's old wishing well deep. deeper than that day louie and the boys walked for miles along the tracks to find their young pup chipper curled around a pine cone in the dead of winter, and how their bones and blood and aches and burns all fell short of meaning as they held their little chipper to their hearts.  yeah, aunt verna could chew till the sun came up, and i swear to it- every ounce of life around her would be better for it. that was her gift. she put the rhythm of life, back into itself.  she'd syncopate those smacks and grinds, sucks and clacks, as the outline of her jaw fell steady into small bends and waves, slow back beats and a sudden leap for the high peaks of her eyebrows, which in some magical agreement, knew just what to do. ah, those eye brows. straight from the cookie cutter they was. sharp. long. ready to move at first call. which is what they did, upon first call of those cheekbones, that jaw line, sending the rhythm this way and that...which is why we all felt it. even the birds, the flowers. sis said one time she saw the clouds move too, just like aunt verna was moving. and i believed her straight away. i believed aunt verna could make anything move. anything. one day she saw me watching her, and she said, "honey, look there, did you see that? straight up child, straight up to the heavens, see that moon? did you see her winking? child, that there moon is for you. ever you need somethin, anythin, you just look up at that moon and smile' alright darlin? ever' you need a deeper rhythm to carry you on, you just look up, and that there moon will wink its ivory reflection back upon your smiling cressent.....and you'll know child...you'll know what to do."  i stood there motionless, but for my eyes that still curved their way along her pulsing checkbones, eyebrows. and then, for a moment, she too became still. she was watching the moon. i looked up. the moon looked the same as it always had. in the next instant, aunt verna grabbed my hand, said, "high time for a cup a tea, don't you think so?" and together we walked inside.